Nienke on Hospital Stays & Anesthesia: ‘I Was Overcome with Panic and Fear

Nienke (30) was born with a teratoma on her abdomen and back. The removal of this tumor did not go smoothly: she developed a misaligned foot and ended up in a wheelchair. In early 2020, she underwent a below-knee amputation. Through her blog, she gives us a glimpse into her daily life.

It has been quite a while since I last shared anything about my life here. That’s because I struggled a lot with my health over the past year. Both physically and mentally, I wasn’t in a good place. 2024 was definitely not my year!  

Almost five years ago, my leg was amputated. Hospital visits are nothing new to me—regular check-ups are just part of my life. However, in recent years, there has been more going on. Several tumors were found in my body, and every few months, I had to go to the hospital for scans. It was nerve-wracking, but I always managed to handle those hospital visits well.  

In and Out of the Hospital  

That changed when I had to stay in the hospital for a minor procedure some time ago. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by panic and sadness. I had no idea what was happening to me! A 34-year-old breaking down out of nowhere—I couldn’t understand it, and I felt so ashamed.  

Since then, I’ve had more intense hospital visits. Five weeks ago, I suddenly became very ill and had to be rushed to the hospital. I was taken by ambulance, but unfortunately, I’m used to that by now, so it didn’t faze me. However, once at the hospital, I had to be put under anesthesia. That’s when I broke down. I started shaking, my blood pressure spiked, and I couldn’t stop crying. Apparently, I even shouted, *“No, not another leg!”*  

Surgeries  

I spent five days in the hospital before being allowed to go home. But a week and a half later, things went terribly wrong again. I was taken back to the hospital and ended up in the ICU—just like after my leg amputation. That terrified me, especially because I had to be put under anesthesia again. Within a short period, I had to undergo two surgeries.  

On the operating table, I lost control. I kept shaking and crying. All the emotions from my amputation five years ago came rushing back. I could feel that my body had reached its limit and that I had to fight once again. My mind kept racing with one terrifying thought: *What if I wake up and something else is gone?*  

My gallbladder was removed, and my liver was damaged, but thankfully, the surgeries went well overall. And when I woke up in the ICU, I didn’t feel incomplete.  

The Impact  

I am incredibly grateful for the healthcare staff who have taken care of me recently. Everyone was respectful, kind, and extremely caring. I formed a special connection with one male nurse—someone with a wealth of life experience, strong perspectives, and endless patience. I could talk to him openly. Through our conversations, I realized that my leg amputation—despite being my own choice—had a much bigger impact on me than I had ever thought.  

The feeling of losing control…