"Hi Karin, how are you?"
That's the first question people ask me at the start of a conversation. If it works, I'll avoid answering the question. And when I can't get around the question, I'll often respond in a politically correct way like "I can't complain" or make an old joke from my father. He always said, "Bad people are always good." Honestly? Things aren't going well at the moment.
It's hard for me to admit that things aren't going well. Because who likes to hear my story with “unpretty” messages? I think it's still helpful to share that part of my story as well. Things don't always go the way we want them to. Neither for me...
In 2018, Blogger Karin (46) decided to have an arm amputated after an accident at work. She misses "the quality of life". She has a prosthetic hand since February 2020. Her prosthesis is one of the first in the Netherlands to feature the new Myo-plus control system. Step by step she learns to deal with it and is happy to let us take part on this journey.
Stuart pulls out all the stops
Stuart (my stump) and I are in a love-hate relationship again, I have to be nice to him because positive incentives are important for a better recovery. But he bullies me incredibly often. With a multitude of pains, he really pulls out all the stops. There is no lack of commitment and diversity. I curse him regularly for restricting my actions.
Sitting on the couch and side effects
The drugs that are needed to make the pain a little more bearable are heavy. They are of the type "you could put down an elephant with this". So yeah, I'm addicted to it. The lack of rest and sleep I get due to the pain and the side effects of the various medications keep my energy levels extremely low. Because of this, sitting on the couch is a big part of my life. And I do not want that at all!
Normal desires
I want to do a lot of things. Going out, for example. I want to be able to pursue my hobbies. Meet friends. I would also like to work with Ottobock again for the development of my prosthesis and make insurance companies aware of the need for these kind of prosthesis. I want to have fun with friends and to sit next to my sweetheart on the couch longer in the evening. Not to go to bed at eight. Not for sleep but to take the pressure and gravity off my arm. I just want to be happy again. Enjoying things and not feeling like you have to survive. But Stuart doesn't care. He has his own plan and takes a completely different path.
Negative feelings
Nevertheless, I don't want to have all the negative feelings that overwhelm me very regularly. They don't bring me closer to the things I want. So I called the rehabilitation team and asked if they could help me. It's really tough right now. I am overwhelmed by oppressive feelings and I don't know how to change the situation.
Make a plan
I asked if we could make another plan to try and affect some of the pain symptoms. At the moment I can't wear my prosthesis. The phantom pains are very strong again and they don't respond to the medication.
Implant neurostimulator
The only option at the pain clinic is to have a neurostimulator (also called a neuromodulator) implanted under the skin. Then electrodes are placed in the cerebrospinal fluid space, which runs in your vertebrae next to your nerves and spinal cord. These are programmed and send electrical impulses that can change the perception of pain. It looks like a pacemaker. At the point where I stand, or rather sit, possibilities are very limited or not sure if it will improve my situation.
Where are the bright spots?
Recently, all of this has been making it difficult for me to see the bright spots between the dark clouds. But actually, I'm really not like that and I don't want to be like that.
How do you deal with dark thoughts?
